Things have settled, but it´s a tense silence before a storm. And what is worst, It feel exactly like what happend two months ago. Will different approach bring different outcome?
I face very similar problems at work – no one gives a fuck about me. I am being paid generously in this software company, but I have literally nothing to do. When I try to get some work assigned – people panic – so I started avoiding it. The things I said as jokes at the interview became reality – I am drinking about 8 coffees a day just to kill time. I´ve been said to find my own projects to work on (I am not sales person) so asking for work is now being awkward. I had zero training and no one cares if I do anything. I´m leaving to Greece in less then a week and I am coming back as two months employed.
I felt like we were loosing it with A, last weeks had been cold. I felt like the passion is gone and we are becoming more like friends (one of the reasons being scarcely having sex). Then I got wasted at Oktoberfest and A took such a good care of me while I was throwing up, I feel so grateful and dedicated again. A is talking about buying a holiday apartment in Belgrade and I feel like investing in this future.
I am finishing my first month at a new job in IT company and it´s hell. But I finally realized its not true that I am unemployable – I can be productive and not procrastinate if I have the right environment that stimulates me – the sad part is – I dont have it here – even though it´s a huge step forward. I didn´t get the offer from one of my top two picks at the end becouse I got so caught up in delivering the right answer to a test task that I didn´t think about the form. It was devastating. But there is still one to go and I am starting my job hunt again even though I don´t have time and energy. I have to move on.
I am exhausted. In my free time – i volunteer to help my sister with translating for her project so the pressure I am under is constant and never ending. I spent two nice weekends in a row with A but I still can´t filter the stress I have from work. I feel like there is a knife on my neck to deliver in a field I know nothing about and force people that I have no authority over to do tasks I am asking them to. I have just empty promises and presentation with client that starts in less then two hours. At the point I am just worried I wont get paid for the month becouse I have no contract (thanks to me) after I´ll get fired today.
I am slowly recovering and starting doing at least yoga after I stopped excercising for nearly 10 days, just to gain control back, I feel way stronger mentally and I made a huge progress from when I started this blog. But there is such a long way in front of me, I wish I would get on the highway instead of just driving slowly forward. But at least I know now it´s possible – even though it doesn´t make it any easier.
I spent the weekend in a beautiful village on military area boreders – one of the environmentally richest forests of the country. We´ve been mushroom hunting like crazy (I am a true son of the nation in that) and later on went to a traditional once a year folklore feast with people wearing local costumes and performing songs , dances and heavy drinking. I cried like a lil bitch feeling disconnected after a fight and not being able to talk to A for a days. And finally ended up sleeping on the floor – again as a true son of the nation, not affraid to mix wine, beer and shots through the night.
I went straight to work on monday and anger and frustration is building up inside of me since. It´s start of the 3rd week and I am already sitting in the office for 6 hours with no idea what to do. Everytime I ask for work, I am being turned down or ignored. For advice how to proceed with one case I asked a week ago, twice via email and several times verbally – my boss literally sitting across the table. Why did they hire me? I am loosing my temper. I got invited for a 2nd interview in one of my top 2 companies on Thursday and I decided I´ll go even it´s during my working hours. I wanna work and perform, not pretend I am doing something, trying desperatelly to fill 8 hours by reading Forbes.
I wanna activelly change my future but I am facing the same issue as the last time – no interest from my supervisor that can possibly lead to me being fired. I even started translating an e-book our CEO wrote for marketing purposes that sales colleague suggested, but then realized cost of my work is 4 times higher then of a translator company have contract with so the project would be overpriced and I had to gave it up. This is just ridiculous.
I got myself cut off the electricity on Monday. Simply thought that one late paid (or unpaid) bill is not the reason. Obviously it is. I woke up in the morning and started getting ready for work, then everything went off. I got what happend after I checked the mailbox and found the letter on my way out of the building. Even though I faced it immediatelly it took several days to plug me in again. Lesson learned. I managed to survive quite well. I got external battery for my phone (so I even had shitty internet connection, I wasted all my data on porn the first day though) and spent my evenings listening to 2nd audiobook of GOT in the dark and even ran out of hot water not sooner than the last day.
A is still travelling through the Balkan, getting fat and drinking slivovitz. Now coming up with – „lets plan our future together, I need something to look forward to“. Thats the exact thing with the exact reason I asked for two months ago and had been turned down. So I planned my own thing and now I am not thrilled to add stressful deadline of (I guess) moving abroad together.
Work is shit, I am still waiting on the phone for the other company to call me – even though I am already working for two weeks (with no contract – so possibly for free). Am I crazy to sacrifice half month salary at the time I am totally broke? I was supposed to go to a countryside with my friends for the weekend, but its turning out no one is willing to wait for me till I will be able to get out of the work, so I´ll maybe skip the whole thing or go to my parents. I feel lonely even thought I met some old friends that I am not usually in contact with this week – it was more depressing then refreshing.
I get scared sometimes, that being author of one of the best books in history of the mankind is not going to happen for me and then the vision of my future suddenly reshapes and I see just misery awaiting me, not greatness. I am not ready for plan B to be permanent solution. I am not sure if I am real genious or just naive.
I was about to write how I opened a sealed letter that my psychiatrist wrote to a therapist I was supposed to visit (and never did) and hopefully learn something new about myself. Like…my diagnosis I have never been told. But it just don’t feel right, so it still lays on my desk.
A is travelling somewhere in Balkan and this is probably going to be the longest separation so far, we are attacking a month. I am feeling down and A is not comfortable sharing it, having time of the life. I understand it’s making us more distant, but shall I just lie when I am asked? I feel ashamed and try not to reach for support. A told me I should find some friends – the exact time I had to turn down a friend that invited me to the movies, just becouse A would freak out – well, it would help a lot if I wouldn’t had systematically banged nearly every single one of my friends in past years…
The new job I am running for is turning to be a nightmare – they just sent me a task to count ROI, that literally no one from people I know have the ability to solve (including me and internet). So I guess its time to make myself comfortable in job I already have (like bring Mike and Dj /aka dinosaur figures/ and vegan brownies to the office)
Today si the last day I can buy a French language course I wanted to start on monday, but decided to rather pay my rent instead. Not my proudest moment. I am not sure I am doing better, I managed to make myself excercise every single day – at least a little – even though I wasnt in the mood. But still can’t really write or improve other parts of my life. I stopped smoking after 10 years of addcition for the fuck sake, how am I not having a will strong enough?
I had no idea what a problem I have until it was too late. Over the years I learned (and thats an important word and important realization) to procrastinate big time to the point it was literally destroying my life. I got fired from work (twice in a half a year actually), I failed at state exams and had been thrown out from the university, I became insecure.
You already know I accidentally got into the most stable and longest relationship ever when I tried to drown despair in series of one night stands. That became a big motivation to get on the horse. I got someone who judges me for rolling in the mud of depression and self pity, who does´t give a fuck about my excuses and most importantly – I got someone I want to impress and to who present the real me that vanished over the years.
After trying hard to beat random aspects of the problem, make myself a human being again and failing repeatedly, I realized the source. Here is the story:
I was working while studying at the university (and I was studying for a really really long time) at first in a coffee, where I had to deal with responsability, plan my time, money and resources. Then a series of misfortunes happend and I had to quit. I started a new job from home and had quite success from start, making nice money, but over the time it turned and I became paralized, waiting at home for calls. I became a lion from a zebra I was – instead of eating some grass everyday without stress, I had to hunt and kill in frenetinc action once in a while, then wait in lethargy again. I got dependent on something I couldn´t really control and lost ability to plan. The power over my life was taken from me. Soon I started to have money problems, I still have been able to get out of it from time to time when a bigger contract came, but It was always temporary. I got obsessed by waiting for the call, for the miracle that once in a while changed everything. I got used to waiting for things to be magically fixed without me contributing. I stopped seeing my friends making excuses like having no money to spend or feeling depressed becouse of the situation. I got used to waiting for rain, praying as the only weapon, imagining the life I will once have when I´ll realize all my ideas and dreams. I literally taught myself to procrastinate by breaking the chain that tied an action to a result. But what have been learned can be unlearned, right?
I had my first day at work on monday. I had no other option than wait or start working in this IT company – so I did. I thought all these tv shows about geeks are just pure fantasy – obviously not. So far I have just one complain – I don’t really feel like using the bathroom while there is constantly one of 30 guys taking a dump. Isn’t it illegal to shit at work? Definitely should be.
Coffee is gross(est ever) and everyone looks like travelling with 19th century circus. I kind of like it.
I have no idea what I am doing, but I am doing quite well. I wasn’t really enthusiastic about being lost in this Kafka’s Castle like software until I met my new colleague. When she started to talk about expanding the company to another country and maybe joining her in work on international clients – I got rock hard, baby.
I asked my boss if i can join their meeting so I could get some “more info about a product” – and then did a huge dick move – I had schedulled an interview in another company (already working for 4 days in this one) and had to leave nearly two hours earlier – unfortunately during the meeting. The new colleague just stared at me with her mouth wide open. I am looking for an instant career and this new possition sounds better considering that I wanna move abroad to live with my A in a year or so. No time to grow for years like a fucking tree.
My Ex (the one) just messaged me – got an offer to publish a book and asked me if it’s ok to use my name or if I wanna change it. Well, I am kind of super jealous, becouse I am the one who dreams everyday about writing again. But in fact, I am fine with it, just irritated by – you can’t read it until it’s in print. Like I would want to question the right to have own memories of our past…
I expected life to be a little harder as I got home from fake heaven of living with A.
And It was Ok the first day, I successfully managed to keep some posititve habits as working out everyday, waking up early. And somehow expected it to be the trick (for everything staying just great). I knew the day two will be tough and was ready to fight.
I lost track of countries that A is visiting in following days, just know that we won’t see each other for at least 2 weeks. I just made a nice diner that sits on a table, becouse I lost apetite while doing it. I lost apetite for doing anything. I started to listen to TEDx talks as a background last days, excited at first about new ideas how to deal with my problems, but turned out, now its just blah blah blah for me, abstract bullshit, something like poetry slam competition of richer and more successfull people. It made me angry, becouse its not giving me answers I want to hear.
A is my only motivation, but doesn’t seems to be interested in my constant fight with the same problems and would like to be with someone confident at the same time. Tomorrow is my first day at work, I hope it will at least make my day to day life less anxious. It’s funny how even though I have very well paid job, A is getting more then 3x my salary, just for living in a neighbouring country, its hard to compete and feel equal when you are constantly comparing to someone with “priviledged background”. Being mediocre is new being no one. Am I just jealous that A is doing better than me? How far this can go?
If I could harnest the power that is being eaten up by my dark thoughts and inner doubts and use it as a source…At the meantime, I am just heating cold hands on slightly warm memories of St. Petersburg burning in summer.
We’ve been walking across the parking lot, it was twilight, all the colors got suddenly intense and deep the way it sometimes happens during the summer.
“Will you marry me?” asked A and it wasn’t the first time I heard the question.
“I will” I couldn’t be happier, picturing our future together, but my sentence continued
“right after you will tell your parents about us”
“So never” said A.
A asked me to rebook my ticket and stay one more night and then if I would like to go out for a diner with visiting Russian work coleagues. I stepped out of my comfort zone and said “sure”. I haven’t left (or “run away” as A say) like every single time we went out together and even danced with A after the guests left us alone. Sounds like fairy tale until you don’t have to be just “visiting friend” and they don’t start asking you how you two have met and you just come up with these blur sentences like – A’s sister is living in the same city, studying the same university – so you don’t have to lie, just give some neutral hints of how this could happen. But how this could have happened?
I snacked xanax when we got home in fear of just being fucking sick as soon as I would lie down, so morning after had been just dark. I am spending our last day together alone, diner is getting spoiled, while A haven’t even left the office yet. It’s getting late, all the colors got suddenly intense and deep the way it sometimes happens during the summer….
I am leaving tomorrow morning, the dream of living together is over. The same issues will become the same problems. Today is the last day of being perfect hausfrau, cleaning and baking and waiting for my A to get home from work. I would stay in this depressing medieval city forever. But its time to leave to another medieval city. Biting chinese tourists in half.
I wrote a first page of my novel, it was surprisingly easy. Sadly, there is no one to read it, since I can only write in my mother tongue. Wait till I am famous and translated to English, i guess.
I had a skype interview in the morning, even though I already have accepted a different position the day before. A think its a shitty move and A is right. I got greedy. I shut myself into a shell of silence, where only my voice echoes. I restricted every field of my life, so I could only present things that I already have accomplished. It looks static and boring from outside and the echoing voice is getting ill. I feel like there is no one who could break in or at least anyone who would I want to penetrate the shell and share without fear of being judged.
I am snacking pills that melted the inside of my brain, the pressure in my ears feels like blood is going to burst from them any second and its gonna be gold, not red, and its gonna feel awsome.