#32 Trapped

I spent the weekend in a beautiful village on military area boreders – one of the environmentally richest forests of the country. We´ve been mushroom hunting like crazy (I am a true son of the nation in that) and later on went to a traditional once a year folklore feast with people wearing local costumes and performing songs , dances and heavy drinking. I cried like a lil bitch feeling disconnected after a fight and not being able to talk to A for a days. And finally ended up sleeping on the floor – again as a true son of the nation, not affraid to mix wine, beer and shots through the night.

I went straight to work on monday and anger and frustration is building up inside of me since. It´s start of the 3rd week and I am already sitting in the office for 6 hours with no idea what to do. Everytime I ask for work, I am being turned down or ignored. For advice how to proceed with one case I asked a week ago, twice via email and several times verbally – my boss literally sitting across the table. Why did they hire me? I am loosing my temper. I got invited for a 2nd interview in one of my top 2 companies on Thursday and I decided I´ll go even it´s during my working hours. I wanna work and perform, not pretend I am doing something, trying desperatelly to fill 8 hours by reading Forbes.

I wanna activelly change my future but I am facing the same issue as the last time – no interest from my supervisor that can possibly lead to me being fired. I even started translating an e-book our CEO wrote for marketing purposes that sales colleague suggested, but then realized cost of my work is 4 times higher then of a translator company have contract with so the project would be overpriced and I had to gave it up. This is just ridiculous.

#27 Return to a country of the poor

I expected life to be a little harder as I got home from fake heaven of living with A.

And It was Ok the first day, I successfully managed to keep some posititve habits as working out everyday, waking up early. And somehow expected it to be the trick (for everything staying just great). I knew the day two will be tough and was ready to fight.

I lost track of countries that A is visiting in following days, just know that we won’t see each other for at least 2 weeks. I just made a nice diner that sits on a table, becouse I lost apetite while doing it. I lost apetite for doing anything. I started to listen to TEDx talks as a background last days, excited at first about new ideas how to deal with my problems, but turned out, now its just blah blah blah for me, abstract bullshit, something like poetry slam competition of richer and more successfull people. It made me angry, becouse its not giving me answers I want to hear.

A is my only motivation, but doesn’t seems to be interested in my constant fight with the same problems and would like to be with someone confident at the same time. Tomorrow is my first day at work, I hope it will at least make my day to day life less anxious. It’s funny how even though I have very well paid job, A is getting more then 3x my salary, just for living in a neighbouring country, its hard to compete and feel equal when you are constantly comparing to someone with “priviledged background”. Being mediocre is new being no one. Am I just jealous that A is doing better than me? How far this can go?

If I could harnest the power that is being eaten up by my dark thoughts and inner doubts and use it as a source…At the meantime, I am just heating cold hands on slightly warm memories of St. Petersburg burning in summer.

#25 being a skunk

I am leaving tomorrow morning, the dream of living together is over. The same issues will become the same problems. Today is the last day of being perfect hausfrau, cleaning and baking and waiting for my A to get home from work. I would stay in this depressing medieval city forever. But its time to leave to another medieval city. Biting chinese tourists in half.

I wrote a first page of my novel, it was surprisingly easy. Sadly, there is no one to read it, since I can only write in my mother tongue. Wait till I am famous and translated to English, i guess.

I had a skype interview in the morning, even though I already have accepted a different position the day before. A think its a shitty move and A is right. I got greedy. I shut myself into a shell of silence, where only my voice echoes. I restricted every field of my life, so I could only present things that I already have accomplished. It looks static and boring from outside and the echoing voice is getting ill. I feel like there is no one who could break in or at least anyone who would I want to penetrate the shell and share without fear of being judged.

I am snacking pills that melted the inside of my brain, the pressure in my ears feels like blood is going to burst from them any second and its gonna be gold, not red, and its gonna feel awsome.

#24 Breaking up

I came to visit A after two weeks. We had some heavy stuff going on and I felt like a complete stranger. We had a talk and then a fight and a make up sex afterwards. But I feel the same as when I came yesterday – far away.

A is thinking about moving to Venice, Italy. And I feel like it’s a great idea. Being more far and seeing each other less, thats like a perfect end for us. Do it! (no irony)

My “career” (with air quotes that A would do) goes fine. I had like 2 interviews a day for a week or so and then I got an offer while still waiting to hear from others. I got pretty good for someone as insecure and managed to block fear and just enjoy it as random talks with friends, no matter how many people sat across the table. I finally started to like my psychiatrist after x years going there and asked for something to boost me up – got piracetam. So far just being slightly depressed, feeling nothing benefitial yet.

There is still a lot to do, but I feel I should do it alone. I confronted A with online dating profile I found (for the second time, for fuck sake), but I kind of understand its hard to be lonely in foreign city. I am a crazy stalker, A told me, thats correct 🙂

You know, I am not mad. I just feel like it stopped working just by itself and there is an effort needed now. I am still in love more than I’ve ever been, but it all feels so unreal, something that just happens once in a while when we almost forgot there is The Other One somewhere.

I wanna start writing again, it’s what I ve always wanted to do (and I am still thinking bout it everyday, not daring to start), but abandoned it nearly a decade ago, when I stopped feeling like myself. At the time I had friends, fans, been invited to read on festivals and got my first stuff published. Is it where this transformation is heading? Is recreating the past what will once be my future?

#23 the kid called survivor

I got back from the wedding in Italy, flashbacks to a hall full of engineers, listening to phrases like – “but is it scientific position or just engineering? The room is filled with such an amazing energy! Germany just suits my way of working, I couldn’t go back to Mexico…”
I never met bunch of (ex)coleagues that would hate each other so much.
I especially hate how international people are so competitive, scared that someone could be doing better and in constant search of new connections to gain from. Is this your world A?

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-jerking off all day and watching anime.

A is working literally 9-10 hours a day, our connection is lost in exhaustion.
Why am I following this example of how to become a human wreck?

How will we live together if I’ll refuse or fail to become an international opportunist?
How will I stay in love for these 3 hours of tiredness a day before sleep?

#21 I got fired

What a surprise.

I think I am a legend in the company, In a month I got written sex offer from +50 years old receptionist. I managed to do absolutelly nothing for weeks sitting next to my boss in an openspace, made it look like its not even my fault at the end and walked away like a fucking beyonce.

As proud as I was the day i quit, I feel like a loser now. At some point I’ll have to tell my parents (Its 4 days minus weekend, no biggie) and face the humiliation.
Hopefully sooner then they’ll call my work phone while I am in Italy later this week (not telling them either).

Well, time to start again and ask for even more ridiculous money for watching youtube videos all day long.

My relationship is in a dead spot, since I am in Europe and A in China last weeks, we can’t even talk that much becouse of different time zones. But what is bothering me the most, there is no plan for the future, nothing is moving, it feels like dead end, how long it can stay still like this before we realize its stagnating?
Maybe its a natural peak of every long distance relationship? Days together are such a small part of my life now. I know everything will be all different  when we’ll see each other, but after these few days…we will go back to our separated lives where the other one has no place. Are we just strangers occasionally having sex?

#14 Ride it like you mean it

I sit half naked in my apartment with blinds down. Is this a fucking movie?

A lot of things happend in my life since my last post, but nothing really changed.

I am drunk/stoned last two days, also I am going to Russia in May. Everything is so random, i just do things or things happen to me. Long distance relationship is breaking me apart. I am riding longboard across my apartment, on a phone, from one wall to the opposite. For hours. I tried going for a ride as I used to just few months ago, but its not fun anymore.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, she told me I am going there from 2012! and nothing changed, i asked for a therapy and also got shitload of drugs. She was there, puzzled, trying to give me answers I already knew.

Welcome back…

 

#8 Oink oink

I am trying to build healthy habits and it dosn’t necessarily means i am talking about eating broccoli and shit.
But I am.

Yesterday I left the country, since I am in a long distance relationship I do it twice a month and about twice a month I host. Everything I am building up while on my own goes to shit instantly. I realized It’s crucial for me to implement desired habits as some kind of routine that you are just used to do automatically without too much thinking. If you have a problem procrastinating – thinking is your problem.

There are some studies about how long does it actually take to create new habit.
The thing is – at least for me – it’s way easier to actaully stop doing something then learn to implement anything new.

Day one: woke up soon, worked out, had a nice breakfast, cleaned my apartement and went to a station.

Day two: woken up at 10 am by sound of cookies eaten for breakfast…